Posted in Future, Single Life

The hook-up culture that is 2017…

Single Millennials have dug themselves a grave.

We’ve created a hook-up culture where, if we’re not willing to participate in a NSA (No-strings-attached) relationship, someone else will.  We can have free sex whenever we want it.  Women have fought, and continue to fight, for the right to be as sexually liberated as men and not be deemed a ‘slut’.  In 2017, if our sex drive is through the roof, we can meet up with a friend or stranger who’ll satisfy us – we don’t need a relationship.  Being such a women, I relish in the availability of sexual partners on offer.

Although the sex we’re having is the same, it plays out differently for men and women.  Men are applauded for wracking up the numbers.  Women are judged and shamed.

With a bountiful array of contraception on offer and feminist thinking becoming increasingly mainstream, you’d think female sexual exploration would be more accepted, but the reality is that women aren’t respected for their sexual experience.  The more experience in sex we accumulate, the less valued we seem.

Rather, it should be a different way; if I gain more experience in sex, I should be more valued as a woman.  I feel sexier in myself, I feel more confident in my feminine charm and I am more able to engage in meaningful, enjoyable sex.  Yet, insofar as you’re a woman:

more sex = more less attractive.

But I can’t help but think that we’ve shot ourselves in the feet.  Our openness for sex (please pardon the unintentional, somewhat vulgar, pun) has spoiled our chances of securing a committed relationship.  I am certainly not abdicating any responsibility for this culture; I have fully participated in it and we all know how that’s ended up.  A male friend recently said, ‘guys will say nearly anything to get you into bed’.  I didn’t have the heart to ask if he meant me specifically or women in general…  It’s depressing that many guys are willing to completely obscure the truth for a shag, and it’s partly because so many girls will believe a guy when he assures them that having sex on the first date isn’t going to make him think any less of her, or make him hard to pin-down for a second date.  

And despite friends and family promoting the wait until date three rule, this isn’t going to change anything.  If a guy’s aim is to date, shag and chuck a girl, he’ll do it after date one or date five.  What I’ve learnt over the past few years is you CANNOT change a man.

And it turns out that our hook-up culture is now starting to impact our casual flings, too.  I remember hooking up with The Bar Man and whilst in bed he asked whether I had time for a boyfriend.  Ignoring all the facts of him being totally unsuitable as a boyfriend, he was the one to ask if I wanted to date him (!!!) and then he ghosted me until he was drunk and horny a few months later.  [Because I was drunk and horny when I received his text, I was an idiot and invited him over – but that’s another story].

Men in their 20’s seem less likely to commit to a relationship than our parents’ generation when they were younger.  The internet and dating apps certainly have something to answer for this; facilitating sexual freedom.

There’s going to be a backlash.

Says my mum.

And god, I hope she’s right.

There’s going to be a whole lot of single, lonely 30 year old’s if we’re not careful and I really don’t want to be a part of that.

How do we avoid this?

  • As a female collective, we stop offering sex as carelessly as we have so far.
  • As a male collective, you stop expecting sex on the first date and you stop thinking a girl is a prude if she doesn’t put out on the first date.
  • As a human collective, we stop judging girls who do have sex on the first date because it feels right.
  • As decent people, we stop ghosting each other and be honest about what we want and how we feel.

So let’s stop this ridiculous cycle of sex and abandonment.  Sexual fulfillment is one thing.  Lifetime happiness is another.

Posted in Friends, Single Life

Your expectations

Maybe I gave you the impression I was interested.  Maybe I led you on?

But I don’t think I did.

I’m not sure why you thought I’d come back to you.

You came round with a mate in the evening (let’s do the ‘friends thing‘), but you came empty-handed and drank me out of house and home.

Then you came on to me.  And I said a polite, yet firm, NO.

Then you were pissed off and you left.

Are you still annoyed?

I am.

Posted in Single Life

It’s okay…

It’s okay that:

  • I feel the most empowered when I feel I look hot.
  • praise at work, a fun evening with friends, a caring evening with family is enough to make me feel loved and valued, but it doesn’t empower me.
  • when I drive to work I like seeing who checks me out, whilst simultaneously thinking these guys need to fuck off because I don’t need a man.
  • I treat sex casually – having babies is going to be tricky, I can’t find a boyfriend, so let’s have fun with sex.
  • I don’t care what other people think about me but I’d really like validation that I’m fun, kind and attractive.
  • I deleted a guy’s number because he was rude to me, but I’d also like my next boyfriend to boss me about a little.
  • I strive to be this strong, independent woman I have in my head, but I really just want a boy to cuddle me when I’m sad and tell me, ‘it’s all going to be okay’.
  • whilst I think online dating is a total joke, I still swipe every day.
  • I can be genuinely happy for my friends in happy relationships, but also secretly hate them.
  • I’m 25 and single, because I’m really only 25.
Posted in Single Life

Notice a Fuckboy before it’s too late.

Following on from the gallery text, Mr Threesome was seeming more genuine and I was feeling hopeful.  I was looking forward to our art-y date and was being lulled into a false sense that this guy wanted a girlfriend rather than just a hook-up.  On Thursday afternoon, he messaged to suggest we change plans as Central London would be very busy with Pride going on and how about we go for drinks in the evening or do something on the Sunday..?

At least he didn’t out-right cancel.

I had a better idea: he could come to Brighton for drinks on the beach in the sunshine.

What followed was a series of messages about how he couldn’t be arsed to make the hour-long journey because he works long hours and travels a lot in the week and it’s a bit of an effort for a first date.

I work long hours.  I travel a lot.  And yet you expect me to come to London?

Grovelling text after grovelling text.  I completely ignored him and blocked his number.

 

I’m glad he was honest and I’m relieved I didn’t make the mistake of meeting him, but I’m quite surprised at his candour.  Most guys would cancel last minute or not turn  up, but Mr Threesome admitted he couldn’t be bothered to come to me.

Was he being cunning; expecting me to argue and then hope the date would be cancelled anyway?

Was he being big-headed and expecting me to chase after him just so I could meet this Adonis?

Either way, our date would have been a waste of time.  I’m glad I noticed this early before wasting anymore time on someone who would inevitably be another Fuckboy.

 

Posted in Single Life

2 to 3 to 1 to 2 to 3?

I haven’t given up with Bumble; I’m still being swipe-happy (see 5 ways to get guys to respond on Bumble).  But I’m taking it all with a massive pinch of salt.

The likelihood that I will find my future boyfriend on a dating app is very slim, so I’m having fun using them (the dating apps, not the guys….I think…)  I swiped right on the kind of profile you usually find on Tinder, not Bumble – it was a couple who were interested in a threesome.  The guy began chatting and it turned out he wasn’t interested in a threesome with the other girl anymore because she is ‘really fussy‘; he was actually looking for a girl now.  We exchanged numbers quickly and began messaging.

He was upfront from the start.  He sent over his list of what he’s looking for and it seemed like he wants a friend who’s a girl, who’s almost a girlfriend and definitely a good shag.  Then it seemed that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend:

Did I want to go round for a day of filthy sex?

Not really – I’m not after a fuck buddy.  I’d prefer a boyfriend.  

Can I tell him exactly what I’m into regarding sex?

Nah – you’re a stranger.

Did I want a threesome this weekend?

Even if I did, that wasn’t possible because I was busy.

What the fuck are you after, mate?!  So are you after fuck buddies, friends with benefits or a girlfriend?

Surprisingly, he said he wants something more serious than just excellent sex.  Then he started with the explicit sex chat again.  I’m all up for a sext, but not if I don’t know the guy.  I told him he has to date me first.  We all know I have jumped into bed with guys too early, so my new rule is to not sleep with guys on the first date (clearly I created this rule after F****** the Fuckboy, and obviously lots of girls already have this rule…)

 

It was no mean feat to draw the conversation back to standard chat rather than sex, sex, sex, but he remained interested for a constant stream of texts over Saturday, despite frequently requesting I go to London.  We made a plan for the Sunday.  To be honest, I was going to cancel anyway; I had no intention of heading to London last minute, especially as I had a chilled weekend planned.

By 3:30, he messaged to say ‘something has come up‘ and he can’t do drinks that day.  Of course this meant I didn’t have to be the one to bail, but in hindsight this meant that his cock had come up, and he had made other plans with other girls to shag (can I give him points for honesty..?)

Since then, we’ve been messaging: he’s been sending text questions, I’ve been asking about his day.  He’s sent pictures of ‘hot’ girls to have a threesome with, I’ve said how pretty she looks.  Amazingly, drinks on Saturday are set to happen and I’ve been very clear I will not have sex with him that night.

However, he does keep texting with suggestions of girls to sleep with together.

Should alarms be ringing?

 

Oh hang on, he’s just messaged suggesting we go to a gallery for a date.

Note to self: DO NOT SHAG HIM.

Things are on the up.

Posted in Single Life

Coupling up.

We’re not all coupling up, so don’t say that we are.  Some of us are working bloody hard to find the right kind of relationship, and I suppose that’s because some of us are more particular about what we’re looking for.  Or we set our sights further afield.  Or we’re aiming higher.  Or because we have the kind of job where you don’t meet young, attractive, driven men.  Or some of us are just having a bad streak.

 

I went away from my last date unsure of his intentions and how he felt about me.  A week later, it seemed promising and another date was looking more likely.

Then he disappeared.  As they all do.

When everyone around you is pairing up, it’s hard to remain optimistic and constantly tell yourself that you just love being single.  And the bullshit couples talk about, ‘God, you’re so lucky that you have no ties.  There’s no dirty boxers / kickers on the floor, you don’t have to check-in with anyone to let them know where you are, and you can snog whoever you like’ is totally undermined when you overhear them saying to other couples that, ‘As much as I’d love to go out with everyone, sometimes I’d prefer to stay at home and chat shit with my best mate [referring to girlfriend] and spend all evening in bed together’.

Yes, I know, and that’s what I’m looking for again.

I’ve  dated different kinds of guys, I’ve had different kinds of dates, I’ve dated guys from dating sites and those I’ve met organically.  I’ve ended the dates in different kinds of ways.  I’ve paid for everything.  I’ve paid for nothing.  I’ve gone dutch.  And although I’ve changed nearly everything external in a bid to find a guy, I haven’t changed who I am or how I present ‘Me’.  Despite ‘Me’ being the constant, this cannot be the problem.

Because if I’m what the problem is, then the future looks bleak.

My dad told me to expect a high rejection rate and try to accept it.  So, I’ll continue to date, be prepared to be ghosted left, right and centre and know that I will couple up again one day.  I will be able to choose a night in with my guy rather than a night on the town.

 

 

Posted in Single Life

The agony of the blue ticks.

2 little ticks are making me paranoid.

We had a good date, we’ve been messaging since, but the past few days there has been very little contact.  I sent the last message on Tuesday and he read it.  I sent a ‘Happy Friday, it’s the weekend’ kind of text.  He has read it.  He hasn’t replied.

‘He’s probably just busy with work’, my friend said this morning.

Now it’s Saturday afternoon and the blue ticks are mocking me.

Posted in Single Life

Did it work?

I felt reluctant to go on last night’s date.  I matched with him on Bumble and we exchanged numbers after a day or so.  He seemed more keen than I was, probably because my trust in people’s profiles had been depleted since my previous date.  We were texting for a week before we met!  This is way past my 3 day texting rule where I like to message for a few days, meet up and then decide (or have decided) ‘yes’ or ‘no’; not wasting very much time.

We had been texting back and forth and I was beginning to wonder whether it would be worth meeting up, or if this would ruin our lovely texting streak.

I decided it was worth the risk as I had no better plans for a Wednesday evening.

He was gorgeous – his photos didn’t do him justice.

Wow, this is rare.

He was friendly and bought me a drink.  We chatted and I giggled a lot.  But I couldn’t work out if he liked me because his eye-contact was a little lacklustre.  (As you know, I have a thing about eye-contact as my ex was more interested in his own reflection than my face).  We got on well, there seemed to be a flicker of a spark but I could have called it either way.

After two drinks, he suggested we go on to dinner, or at least more drinks.  Had this been a few months ago, before the Fuck Boy Incident, I would have been eager to go, but I chose to leave.  I didn’t need to get drunk and snog him for him to like me.  I definitely didn’t need to shag him for him to like me.  If he likes me, he’d like me after two drinks and a straight-forward date.  He was very gentlemanly and walked me to my car, despite it being in the opposite direction to his house.  We kissed on the cheek and I drove home wondering what to make of our evening.

Fortunately, it’s 24 hours later and he clearly did like me.  The constant texting has resumed and I hope another date is on the cards.

 

Posted in Single Life

There’s a flaw with online dating.

Or maybe some flawed people use dating apps to fetch a girl to date and fuck with her.

 

In our world of social media and dating apps, we all want to present ourselves in the best light.  We put photos up of us having fun, we post silly quips about how hilarious we are with our gorgeous friends and we update our stories whilst we’re sunning ourselves, sipping on a cocktail.

No one ever updates their status with the honesty of feeling down on a Sunday evening, or when all their friends have bailed on a Thursday night.

This wouldn’t get many likes.  Of course everyone has had times when they’re a little black cloud on a Sunday evening, or cried to their mum / best friend / housemate when everyone has cancelled and you’re alone with lasagne and re-runs of First Dates (or is this just me..?)  But whilst we all know everyone deals with the same lows in their week and whilst no one advertises it on social media, we can be left with FOMO (fear of missing out).

The same is true with dating apps; we carefully select 3-5 photos of us that display our personality – do we have an interesting hobby?, that show us looking our best (never on a Sunday morning, hungover in bed post-vomiting in the loo for the 3rd time that morning) and show that we are wonderfully dateable because we are so smiley and popular.

I was shocked when I met a guy the other week who looked NOTHING like his profile picture, save for the fact he was a man and had the same skin colour as the man in his photo.  But that was it.  Yes, we put our best photos up, but they have to be accurate.

I knew, instantly, that there wasn’t going to be a second date.

But, not one to be rude, I walked around Camden with him, finding a decent place for a drink.  He was nice, he tried to be funny.  I was charming.  Sadly, he wasn’t for me.

Maybe the warning sign should have been the SINGLE photo he put up, rather than 3-5, but I was optimistic and he was lovely (and very cool) over our messages.

Regardless, maybe he picked up on my standoffishness because he didn’t message over the next few days, then I deleted him.