Posted in Dating?, Single Life

Mind-reading

How am I meant to know what you are thinking?

How do I know you won’t be like the rest and disappear?

Is there a way I can find this out without scaring you away?

Is there a way I can avoid this sinking feeling that it’s happening again..?

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Posted in Future

How to be a grown-up.

At 25, I reckon I’m doing a pretty good job of being an adult.  Things go tits-up sometimes, but I learn from these mishaps.  Being an open-book and a natural advice-giver, I often share with my friends what I’m doing to be a successful grown-up and tell them how they can be a grown-up too (I wonder if they appreciate the unsolicited advice…).

Personal experience has driven most of this list, but fear not, I’ve also included advice from various female writers who I bang on about to my friends and family.  All.  The.  Time.

So here we go, as far as being a female –

Being a grown-up involves:

  • Looking after yourself – make doctor appointments, get on top of your sexual health, go to the opticians, go to the dentist.  Even when you have to pay.  You cannot put a price on good health.  Neither can you put a price on having good hands and feet; cracked heels are a feature of some pensioners and bitten down nails tend to be synonymous with teenagers.
  • Moisturising.  Wearing SPF all year round.
  • Eating avocados.  If there’s a God, these are God’s gift to humanity.
  • Wearing fabulous lippy.  Lipstick if you’re blessed with full lips, lip-gloss if your upper lip leaves a lot to be desired (I wear lip-gloss on most occasions).
  • Being truthful when friends ask advice on an outfit when shopping.  We are no longer in competition with our friends as to who’ll look the coolest or sexiest at Saturday’s party.  By lying, you run the risk of that friend wearing the terrible when you’re out together and you’ll have to put up with that the whole day.  No one wants that kind of hassle.  Great advice, Roxane Gay.
  • Losing the amount of fucks you give‘, says Caitlin Moran.

  • Knowing what you want, but not being worried if the plan you had when you were 17 isn’t working out.
  • Trusting yourself.  Your body knows what it needs, let it have it.

Being a grown-up necessitates:

  • Being kind.  Be generous with your time and money.  Being kind is so so sexy.
  • Sticking with plans.  Better-offer-itus is a teenage condition.  Don’t flake, you won’t end up with many friends.
  • Behaving like the person you’d want to be friends with.
  • Being friendly with friends’ significant others.  But for god sake, don’t flirt with them.  Do not have sex with them.  And don’t have emotional affairs with them.  If they engage in this behaviour with you, they’re an arsehole.  Your friend shouldn’t be with this arsehole and you certainly don’t want to be with an arsehole.  They are ‘abundant’; get one of your own.  Thanks Roxane Gay – excellent advice!
  • ‘Having confidence levels high enough to kiss the exterior walls of ‘arrogance’ without ever transgressing wholly into that territory’, according to Polly Vernon.  Yes!
  • Reading excellent non-fiction.  Expand your ideas.  Strengthen your ideas and be able to discuss these ideas coherently.
  • Keeping up to date with current affairs.
  • Knowing how to cook nutritional meals.  Pizza is delicious on a Tuesday.  Curry is yummy on a Sunday night.  But eating shit every day will make you fat, your insides gross and you’ll feel sad.
  • Trying not to drunk call your exes, call your friends instead; then you can have a giggle about it the next day rather than hiding your head under your pillow all day.

Being a grown-up could mean:

  • Trying new things – go to new bars / pubs / restaurants.  Try classes, find some hobbies.  Be willing to give things a go.  Meet friends as an adult.
  • Reading good literature.
  • Finding someone with whom you want to share your life.  If so, you need to find someone you can be honest with and they can be honest with you.

 

Posted in Single Life

Date Week continued

So I went on the date.

I was going to cancel but my friend convinced me otherwise.  I’m thrilled I didn’t cancel.  What a guy!

  • Instant, mutual attraction.
  • We have lots in common and the conversation flowed beautifully.
  • He didn’t agree with everything I had to say; he challenged me and we discussed things.
  • He made me laugh.
  • I made him laugh.
  • He seems really kind and genuine.
  • There was that sexual tension when we looked at each other.
  • There was a spark.
  • We were tactile.
  • We had a wonderful kiss at the end.

 

  • He’s messaged since and there are plans to meet this week.

Third time lucky, eh?

Posted in Single Life

Date Week

1 – First online blind date in a while.

  • I feel excited for this one (he’s attractive in his photos and he seems fun).
  • He doesn’t really look like his photos and he doesn’t seem like he’d be much fun.
  • I don’t think he fancies me; he doesn’t look me in the eyes very often.
  • He answers 2 phone calls during our date.
  • Then his mate happens to bump into us at the back of the bar.  His mate is drinking alone, I am kind and say he should join us.  He says he’ll finish his drink quickly…
  • 40 minutes later, I’m sat opposite these 2 guys.  I’m on my 2nd glass of wine – both guys are still nursing their single beer.  I’m not being included in conversation about close friends and it’s hard to get involved.
  • I text my housemate, ‘please save me’.

  • 5 minutes before she arrives, I say she’s here and I have to go.  I stand up, and say ‘thank you’ and ‘nice to meet you’.
  • Neither of the guys stand up.
  • Neither say ‘bye’.

  • Hysterical, I get into the car.
  • At home, his text says, ‘Apologies.  Tactful is not the word’.
  • I delete his number.

 

2 –  It can’t be any worse than the first date.

  • He’s late.
  • He barely says hello before rushing to the bar for a beer.
  • He drinks it so quickly.
  • Did he google, ‘what to ask on a first date’?  This feels like an interview with my least favourite question in, ‘so what are your hobbies?’
  • I rarely feel awkward and am usually bubbly on a first date, but I’m working overtime this evening to keep conversation flowing.
  • He seems to aspire towards a staccato date.
  • 20 minutes in, I suggest we play Jenga.  Surely this’ll help him loosen up and chat.
  • Oh silly me.  
  • I’ve managed to find a guy who can make Jenga seem dull…

  • By 8pm, I’ve been clock-watching for 20 minutes.  How early is too early to leave?  Is it rude?
  • It’s now half 8.  I’m throwing in the towel.
  • ‘I’d like to come back to yours for a glass of wine’, he tells me.
  • ‘I’ve got an early start tomorrow, so no’.
  • ‘Just one glass’.
  • ‘Sorry, I’m getting in the cab’.

 

3 – I’m meant to have a date tonight.

  • I’m going to cancel.

 

 

Posted in Dating?

Have a successful date – avoid these 5 habits.

  1. Bullshit – some guys never text or show interest in you, and then when you do meet up, they say how much they missed you…  `
  2. A 15-minute monologue over dinner – please take a moment outside of your head and realise you are talking about yourself, non-stop.  Please ask me questions and actually listen to what I have to say.
  3. Having poor listening skills – don’t then bring the conversation back to yourself before I’ve even finished my sentence.
  4. No one says what they’re thinking – rather than saying, ‘I like you’, or ‘I want to kiss you’, our generation make vague statements and trail off with ‘I don’t know…’
  5. Grammatical and spelling errors – especially in texts and sexts…I really struggle to get turned on when you’re telling me you ‘can’t hardly wait’ to see me and you want to kiss my bobs.
Posted in Future

We are who we hang out with.

Lots of us set ourselves life goals to reach by certain checkpoints in our lives.  I used to, and I wanted to tick off x, y and z by the time I reach 27.  But that’s less than 18 months away and I’m reconsidering my chosen career path and I’m still very much single.  So this has called for a total shift in my expectations.

I’m not reaching these goalposts and that’s okay, but this has meant that AGE can no longer be the defining factor in life goals.

As we experience life, our values may change, as may our criteria for what we want to achieve or how we achieve them.  With people seeming to marry later in life and postponing having children until their careers and housing situation is under wraps, why are single woman still bombarded with concerns over not finding their ‘other half’ yet or not settling down and getting knocked up?  Why is it that getting married is seen by our society to be the final check-point?  In my experience, people always ask women if they’ve found a boyfriend yet and remind these women that ‘he’s still out there – keep looking!’  Do people ask guys whether they have a girlfriend yet?  Not in my experience.

I do want to get married and have children (for Christ’s sake, I have a blog dedicated to finding my Prince Charming!!), but I really ought to be enough.  We don’t need to be married to have children, and in 2017 we barely need a man for this.

Recently, it’s become very obvious that any man won’t do.  He has to be the right man, and if that means waiting until I’m 30, so be it.

What I do believe is worth spending time in cultivating is making yourself a more interesting person – try out various activities, make time for your family and friends, excel at your career.  Make and strengthen friendships that will see you through good and bad times – we have complete control over the friends we chose in our 20s.  At school, we are thrust into classes of 29 other children and we just have to get along with them.  And this continues until we’re 18.  After we leave school can we can totally avoid social interactions outside of work and we can even choose a career that requires no socialising whatsoever, so we need to have friendships that help us develop into better versions of ourselves.  We are who we hang out with and we need to behave like the people we’d want to know.

So I’ve decided to stop accepting the ‘so-so’ guys.  Their company does nothing for me: they suck the joy from my soul and I feel like a weaker version of myself.  I work double-time to keep us afloat and with my full-on career, I can’t be dealing with that.  I want a man who will strengthen me.  He needs to compliment what I have to offer the world, and be charming at the same time.

 

 

If anyone knows the name of the book this image is from, please comment and let me know!

Posted in Dating?

The wrong guy.

What we had came about so easily.

We met through a friend!

Our first date was fun and chilled (it was novel having a coffee date when all I’ve had is drinking dates).  Being honest, I was going to cancel because I was interested in someone else – but he turned out to be a ghost, just like the rest of them.  Having another guy who had engaged my interest meant I was relaxed and laid back and didn’t need a glass of wine; I didn’t have the pre-date butterflies.  You looked just like my ex, ‘Of course he does!  You have a type – that’s why I set you up with him‘, my friend said on the phone after.  I left our date beaming.  You seemed like a genuinely nice guy.  You ticked a lot of boxes and you were friendly and chatty.  You were nervous, and talked about yourself mainly, but we had common interest in travel and our mutual friend so I was interested in what you had to say.

A few days after our coffee date, we had a pub date, which turned into dinner.  We talked about your new flat purchase (tick), your grown-up job (tick), your impressive degree (tick), your travel plans (tick), your spontaneity (tick) and your ideas of a fun weekend  – they matched mine (so another tick).  You paid for dinner, which was lovely and we enjoyed an after-dinner drink.  The cab home was cute as we played with each other’s fingers and we had a little kiss when we parted ways outside my house.

We messaged every day when I was in Ibiza and we had another coffee date when I touched base in Brighton before jetting off again to Rhodes the next day.

We messaged every day when I was in Rhodes.

There was no agony of waiting for a message from you; you were interested and that was obvious.  I didn’t need to stress about blue ticks or ignored messages.  There was no game playing, if we had our phones in our hands when we received a text, we messaged back, we didn’t need to wait 3 hours.

Then we had another type of date I’ve never had: a cinema date.  Hand holding, leg stroking and cheeky sideways glances meant things were hotting up.  We had hoped to go for dinner after, but at 11pm the kitchens were closing.  ‘Come back to mine..?’, I asked.

In all our dates so far, you mainly spoke about yourself.  You rarely asked questions and you brought the conversation back to you each time I talked about something different.  In all our dates so far, you were sensible, serious and keen to impress.  In all our dates so far, I imaged you’d be crap in bed.  Surely nice guys can’t be good in bed…!

So our first night together took me by surprise.  Wow, you knew what you were doing.  You were all the things I wanted you to be and I went to sleep very happy indeed.

A few days later, we had another dinner date.  I had a stressful day at work and needed to talk it out with you.  You didn’t want to listen – I heard all about your education and upbringing and couldn’t get a word in edge-ways.  During general conversation, you asked, ‘so tell me about you…’ Vague statements like this make it hard to know what to say; it felt like a default statement when you realised you had talked at me for half an hour.

I was starting to feel fed up and like you wanted me with you to indulge in your ego.  Then we had a lovely evening at yours.  You cooked for me, you asked me questions and we engaged in conversation.  We played card games and listened to my favourite music.  You walked me home.  I felt things were looking up and I could genuinely see us developing into boyfriend and girlfriend.

This was short lived.

What I hoped would be a night of comedy and laughs turned out to be a crap date.

I laughed my head off at the comedy show, but didn’t giggle over dinner.

 

Then the sex turned bad.  Really bad.  I was disengaged and put no effort in.  I even told you to stop and get off.  This is not a good sign.

The poor sex, the incessant talking about yourself, the lack of interest in what I had to say…all of this meant my estimation of you was going down hill.  Polly Vernon says you should never indulge a man who doesn’t listen / ask questions and prompt back.  She reckons guys who are self involved are bad in bed.  And you proved her right.

Fortunately, we have ended on good terms – you noticed something was missing too.

What our almost-relationship has taught me is that I am not desperate for a boyfriend.  It is better to be on my own than with the wrong person.  I’m 26 and I don’t want the right guy to go past me whilst I’m spending time with the wrong guy.  Ticking lots of grown-up boxes is nice, but the physical attraction box is crucial.  I’ve also learnt that personality can make up for a lack of physical attraction, but the personality needs to be something special.  Sadly, I didn’t find this guy’s personality anything special.

Posted in Single Life

7 daily contradictions of my version of feminism

  • Don’t assume I need help with hanging this picture,
    • but when I ask, be glad to help.

 

  • If my computer crashes, don’t move me to the side and fix it within 5 minutes,
    • show me what to do and I’ll fix it for myself.

 

  • Don’t expect me to make dinner and then wash up,
    • but if I do, be thankful and smother me with hugs and kisses.

 

  • If I wear snuggly PJs and my hair in a bun for a chilled Saturday night in, don’t make sarky comments about my appearance,
    • but when I wear a sexy dress and heels, shower me in compliments.

 

  • Don’t expect my vagina to be perfectly waxed every single day,
    • but when I do have a wax, make a point of noticing.

 

  • I am a strong, independent woman and should not be told what to do,
    • unless we’re in the bedroom…

 

  • Do not take the jar off me and open it before I even try,
    • but when I ask, please smile sweetly and use your muscles.

     

Posted in Single Life

When ‘no’ doesn’t mean ‘no’.

Sorry for the silence, I’ve been on holiday lots recently.  I went to Ibiza and now I’m writing this sitting on the beach in Rhodes, watching the sun go down.

Ibiza is one of my favourite places in the world, and I absolutely love the nightlife.  What I don’t like, however, is that this is where the letchy men congregate.  

A few years ago, I posted about chat-up lines in Pacha.  Last week I was in the same club with a friend and we had guys groping us and pinching our bums.  Some of them tried it on to dance with us by snaking their hands around our hips.  I hoped a simple, ‘no thank you’ with a smile would have sufficed; sadly it didn’t.  To some guys I had to say ‘no’ three times before they got the message, to others, I was confronted by their mates, asking for an explanation for my rejection.  I wondered if these guys didn’t understand that ‘no’ means ‘no’.  My dad said they did, but they would rather ignore it.

Why is it that some guys cannot take no for an answer?  Why do some men feel entitled to a dance, a snog, a shag with girls?  Why are some men’s egos so inflated that a polite rejection requires a confrontation and a full understanding?
I still don’t understand men.

Posted in Single Life

A double disappearing act.

I was optimistic.  We had met in real life and I really thought we’d manage to meet up this summer.  But you had plenty of excuses for why you couldn’t do this or that weekend.  And now I haven’t heard from you in a week.

 

You were attractive and confident.  You seduced me and I was sucked in.  You made me believe you were keen for a second date.  You asked what I wanted to do.  I changed my plans to see you.  By early evening, I hadn’t heard from you so I dropped you a text to confirm.  By 8 o’clock – nothing.  By 10 o’clock – still nothing.  The next afternoon – no word.

Guys, if you’re not interested, please, please, PLEASE, just tell us.  We can take it – I can take it.  I am strong and resilient.  

People deserve that other people be honest.  It is not okay to leave someone guessing.  Rather than ghosting me, just tell me you’re not interested.

 

I’m so bored of this shitty behaviour.