Posted in Future

We are who we hang out with.

Lots of us set ourselves life goals to reach by certain checkpoints in our lives.  I used to, and I wanted to tick off x, y and z by the time I reach 27.  But that’s less than 18 months away and I’m reconsidering my chosen career path and I’m still very much single.  So this has called for a total shift in my expectations.

I’m not reaching these goalposts and that’s okay, but this has meant that AGE can no longer be the defining factor in life goals.

As we experience life, our values may change, as may our criteria for what we want to achieve or how we achieve them.  With people seeming to marry later in life and postponing having children until their careers and housing situation is under wraps, why are single woman still bombarded with concerns over not finding their ‘other half’ yet or not settling down and getting knocked up?  Why is it that getting married is seen by our society to be the final check-point?  In my experience, people always ask women if they’ve found a boyfriend yet and remind these women that ‘he’s still out there – keep looking!’  Do people ask guys whether they have a girlfriend yet?  Not in my experience.

I do want to get married and have children (for Christ’s sake, I have a blog dedicated to finding my Prince Charming!!), but I really ought to be enough.  We don’t need to be married to have children, and in 2017 we barely need a man for this.

Recently, it’s become very obvious that any man won’t do.  He has to be the right man, and if that means waiting until I’m 30, so be it.

What I do believe is worth spending time in cultivating is making yourself a more interesting person – try out various activities, make time for your family and friends, excel at your career.  Make and strengthen friendships that will see you through good and bad times – we have complete control over the friends we chose in our 20s.  At school, we are thrust into classes of 29 other children and we just have to get along with them.  And this continues until we’re 18.  After we leave school can we can totally avoid social interactions outside of work and we can even choose a career that requires no socialising whatsoever, so we need to have friendships that help us develop into better versions of ourselves.  We are who we hang out with and we need to behave like the people we’d want to know.

So I’ve decided to stop accepting the ‘so-so’ guys.  Their company does nothing for me: they suck the joy from my soul and I feel like a weaker version of myself.  I work double-time to keep us afloat and with my full-on career, I can’t be dealing with that.  I want a man who will strengthen me.  He needs to compliment what I have to offer the world, and be charming at the same time.

 

 

If anyone knows the name of the book this image is from, please comment and let me know!

Advertisements
Posted in Dating?

The wrong guy.

What we had came about so easily.

We met through a friend!

Our first date was fun and chilled (it was novel having a coffee date when all I’ve had is drinking dates).  Being honest, I was going to cancel because I was interested in someone else – but he turned out to be a ghost, just like the rest of them.  Having another guy who had engaged my interest meant I was relaxed and laid back and didn’t need a glass of wine; I didn’t have the pre-date butterflies.  You looked just like my ex, ‘Of course he does!  You have a type – that’s why I set you up with him‘, my friend said on the phone after.  I left our date beaming.  You seemed like a genuinely nice guy.  You ticked a lot of boxes and you were friendly and chatty.  You were nervous, and talked about yourself mainly, but we had common interest in travel and our mutual friend so I was interested in what you had to say.

A few days after our coffee date, we had a pub date, which turned into dinner.  We talked about your new flat purchase (tick), your grown-up job (tick), your impressive degree (tick), your travel plans (tick), your spontaneity (tick) and your ideas of a fun weekend  – they matched mine (so another tick).  You paid for dinner, which was lovely and we enjoyed an after-dinner drink.  The cab home was cute as we played with each other’s fingers and we had a little kiss when we parted ways outside my house.

We messaged every day when I was in Ibiza and we had another coffee date when I touched base in Brighton before jetting off again to Rhodes the next day.

We messaged every day when I was in Rhodes.

There was no agony of waiting for a message from you; you were interested and that was obvious.  I didn’t need to stress about blue ticks or ignored messages.  There was no game playing, if we had our phones in our hands when we received a text, we messaged back, we didn’t need to wait 3 hours.

Then we had another type of date I’ve never had: a cinema date.  Hand holding, leg stroking and cheeky sideways glances meant things were hotting up.  We had hoped to go for dinner after, but at 11pm the kitchens were closing.  ‘Come back to mine..?’, I asked.

In all our dates so far, you mainly spoke about yourself.  You rarely asked questions and you brought the conversation back to you each time I talked about something different.  In all our dates so far, you were sensible, serious and keen to impress.  In all our dates so far, I imaged you’d be crap in bed.  Surely nice guys can’t be good in bed…!

So our first night together took me by surprise.  Wow, you knew what you were doing.  You were all the things I wanted you to be and I went to sleep very happy indeed.

A few days later, we had another dinner date.  I had a stressful day at work and needed to talk it out with you.  You didn’t want to listen – I heard all about your education and upbringing and couldn’t get a word in edge-ways.  During general conversation, you asked, ‘so tell me about you…’ Vague statements like this make it hard to know what to say; it felt like a default statement when you realised you had talked at me for half an hour.

I was starting to feel fed up and like you wanted me with you to indulge in your ego.  Then we had a lovely evening at yours.  You cooked for me, you asked me questions and we engaged in conversation.  We played card games and listened to my favourite music.  You walked me home.  I felt things were looking up and I could genuinely see us developing into boyfriend and girlfriend.

This was short lived.

What I hoped would be a night of comedy and laughs turned out to be a crap date.

I laughed my head off at the comedy show, but didn’t giggle over dinner.

 

Then the sex turned bad.  Really bad.  I was disengaged and put no effort in.  I even told you to stop and get off.  This is not a good sign.

The poor sex, the incessant talking about yourself, the lack of interest in what I had to say…all of this meant my estimation of you was going down hill.  Polly Vernon says you should never indulge a man who doesn’t listen / ask questions and prompt back.  She reckons guys who are self involved are bad in bed.  And you proved her right.

Fortunately, we have ended on good terms – you noticed something was missing too.

What our almost-relationship has taught me is that I am not desperate for a boyfriend.  It is better to be on my own than with the wrong person.  I’m 26 and I don’t want the right guy to go past me whilst I’m spending time with the wrong guy.  Ticking lots of grown-up boxes is nice, but the physical attraction box is crucial.  I’ve also learnt that personality can make up for a lack of physical attraction, but the personality needs to be something special.  Sadly, I didn’t find this guy’s personality anything special.

Posted in Single Life

7 daily contradictions of my version of feminism

  • Don’t assume I need help with hanging this picture,
    • but when I ask, be glad to help.

 

  • If my computer crashes, don’t move me to the side and fix it within 5 minutes,
    • show me what to do and I’ll fix it for myself.

 

  • Don’t expect me to make dinner and then wash up,
    • but if I do, be thankful and smother me with hugs and kisses.

 

  • If I wear snuggly PJs and my hair in a bun for a chilled Saturday night in, don’t make sarky comments about my appearance,
    • but when I wear a sexy dress and heels, shower me in compliments.

 

  • Don’t expect my vagina to be perfectly waxed every single day,
    • but when I do have a wax, make a point of noticing.

 

  • I am a strong, independent woman and should not be told what to do,
    • unless we’re in the bedroom…

 

  • Do not take the jar off me and open it before I even try,
    • but when I ask, please smile sweetly and use your muscles.

     

Posted in Single Life

When ‘no’ doesn’t mean ‘no’.

Sorry for the silence, I’ve been on holiday lots recently.  I went to Ibiza and now I’m writing this sitting on the beach in Rhodes, watching the sun go down.

Ibiza is one of my favourite places in the world, and I absolutely love the nightlife.  What I don’t like, however, is that this is where the letchy men congregate.  

A few years ago, I posted about chat-up lines in Pacha.  Last week I was in the same club with a friend and we had guys groping us and pinching our bums.  Some of them tried it on to dance with us by snaking their hands around our hips.  I hoped a simple, ‘no thank you’ with a smile would have sufficed; sadly it didn’t.  To some guys I had to say ‘no’ three times before they got the message, to others, I was confronted by their mates, asking for an explanation for my rejection.  I wondered if these guys didn’t understand that ‘no’ means ‘no’.  My dad said they did, but they would rather ignore it.

Why is it that some guys cannot take no for an answer?  Why do some men feel entitled to a dance, a snog, a shag with girls?  Why are some men’s egos so inflated that a polite rejection requires a confrontation and a full understanding?
I still don’t understand men.

Posted in Single Life

A double disappearing act.

I was optimistic.  We had met in real life and I really thought we’d manage to meet up this summer.  But you had plenty of excuses for why you couldn’t do this or that weekend.  And now I haven’t heard from you in a week.

 

You were attractive and confident.  You seduced me and I was sucked in.  You made me believe you were keen for a second date.  You asked what I wanted to do.  I changed my plans to see you.  By early evening, I hadn’t heard from you so I dropped you a text to confirm.  By 8 o’clock – nothing.  By 10 o’clock – still nothing.  The next afternoon – no word.

Guys, if you’re not interested, please, please, PLEASE, just tell us.  We can take it – I can take it.  I am strong and resilient.  

People deserve that other people be honest.  It is not okay to leave someone guessing.  Rather than ghosting me, just tell me you’re not interested.

 

I’m so bored of this shitty behaviour.

Posted in Friends, Single Life

Do I wanna know..?

Do I wanna know, if this feeling flows both ways?

Yes, I do want to know.  It’s killing me not knowing what’s inside your head.  The messages you give off are so conflicting. 

Sad to see you go, was sorta hoping that you’d stay…

We have so much fun when you stay.  Please don’t leave.

I’m sorry to interrupt, it’s just that I’m constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you…

I watch your mouth as you talk, I look at your eyes when you laugh and I remember kissing your lips and I want to do it again and again and again.

I dreamt about you nearly every night this week…

And I wake up and it feels so real.

There’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat…

So many songs make me think of you – we’ve had so many fun nights together and we always share music.  

I don’t know if you feel the same as I do.

I do now.  Not knowing was exhausting, so I carefully asked you about this girl you’ve started seeing.  It turns out the feeling doesn’t flow both ways, but this hasn’t been crushing like I expected.  The jealousy isn’t of her, it’s of you.  She’s lovely and you’ll have a laugh together.  I’m just annoyed you found a girl so easily whereas I’m here trying every tac under the sun to get a guy.

 

Posted in Single Life

Nah babes

  1. Matched with a guy on bumble
  2. I say hi and he tells me he’s horny
  3. He says we should send sex photos to each other
  4. He gives me his number so I can send him sex videos
  5. I tell him he needs to take me on a date before I send him sex videos
  6. He tells me I need to send sex videos first
  7. Nah babes
  8. He deleted me
  9. Naturally, I didn’t save his number.
Posted in Starting Something New

Can I be optimistic about this one?

We met months ago at a party.  Not through an app, not online, but through mutual friends.  We chatted loads, you had witty things to say, I laughed a lot, my sister found you highly irritating.  But I enjoyed your company.  We spent a lot of the evening snogging.

Staying in London with my sister meant I couldn’t take you home – what a blessing in disguise!  Since that party we have messaged every day, we’ve spoken on the phone a few times and we’ve tried to meet up.  Sadly, we’re both very busy people and it’s been impossible to find a time to go for a drink.  You seem as interested in a date as I do and you’ve said, ‘we’ll definitely find a time this summer to meet’.

God, I hope so.  I don’t want this just to be a texting thing; what a waste of time that would be.

The fact you take 7 hours to reply isn’t helping us formulate a plan.

And I really don’t want to come across as pushy, but I’ll be out of the country soon for the rest of summer, then September will roll around.

We haven’t managed to meet and it’s been 2 months.  Am I being realistic in my optimistic view that we’ll see each other soon?

 

Posted in Single Life

8 ways to be a little ray of sunshine.

  1. Be confident in who you are and what you want from life.  At the age of 25, I’m pretty sure of myself.  I’ve had lots of good times and lots of bad times, each one shaping me into the woman I am today.  When I look in the mirror, I like what I see.  Yes, there are bits of my body and parts of my personality I could work on, but I’m genuinely happy with who I am.  I also have my career on track, and although it might not be something I do forever, I trust that when the time comes I will work out what my next move will be and I believe I’ll make the right decisions.
  2. Choose to have friends who make you happy and who make you believe life is easy.  You won’t manage to be a little ray of sunshine if you are surrounded by little black clouds.
  3. Similarly: clear the clutter: keep the things and people you love the most.  Having a home and workspace I have control over means I’ve been able to clear things that no longer serve a practical or sentimental purpose.  Getting rid of the clutter has helped me to clear my mind and helps me to relax.  Over the past few years, I’ve learnt to be more discerning with the people I call my friends.  There are some people in life who you form a friendship with and then it becomes too much like hard work maintaining that friendship.  Personally, I struggle to stay friends with someone if I feel I’m always making the effort and getting nothing in return.  Likewise for boyfriends; as Caitlin Moran so beautifully put it: “Never love someone who you think you need to mend or who makes you feel like you need to be mended.  There are boys out there who look for shining girls.  They will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart.”
  4. Don’t stress about what people think of you.  We could spend our lives worrying about who said what, who might be saying something behind our backs, who’s judging what we wear, who we’re dating and what our jobs are.  What’s the point?  If you’re happy with who you are and what you’re doing, ignore the haters; do as Taylor Swift does and Shake it off.
  5. It’s controversial, but maintain an element of detachedness.  In my dating life, I’m trying to go with the flow more and not stress or plan too much.  By keeping my focus on the present, I can enjoy experiences for their current value.  I’m trying to take things slower, not rush or plan ahead and let things happen naturally – all in a bid to avoid giving off an air of desperation.
  6. Keep doing what you’re doing until it doesn’t make you happy anymore.  If I’m out in the evening and feeling tired or bored, I’ll go home.  If When I’m in a relationship that sucks up all my happiness, I call it quits.  If I decide my career isn’t the right path for me, I’ll change it.
  7. Remain optimistic.  Keep the bigger picture in sight.  Happy times pass, but so, too, do sad times.
  8. Smile all the bloody time.  Keep turning up your smile and your brightness and people will gravitate towards you to feel happy themselves.