A year ago today, my ex and I were blissfully happy. We both messaged a bit this morning and had a nice phone call. We were talking about how funny it’s been a year and how it’s actually rather sad we’re no longer together.
The conversation was frank:
- We miss each other.
- We still love each other.
- He is spiralling down.
- I want to help him.
- We don’t just want to be friends, but we also kind of do.
- We’re confused.
He still loves me and doesn’t just want to be my friend – he wants to be my boyfriend. In fact, we can’t be friends at all.
I say my sister is coming to visit in Brighton this afternoon; does he want to jump in the car? (Of course he’ll say no).
He said yes.
Ohfuckohfuckohfuck. *Phone call with sister – mental panic.*
Another honest phone call.
Him visiting is a bad idea. I’ll see him, want to jump on him, undoubtedly fall in love with him again – we haven’t seen each other since the break up 3 months ago.
We talk about our relationship; he misses me lots. We still love each other. He says he needs to get his shit together. I agree. He says he isn’t what he thinks I need; that I deserve more. I’m surprised – what does he mean? He says I need someone who lives in Brighton, has a steady job, doesn’t drink so much. I tell him the distance was a problem and the drinking and the drugs were also an issue; but he’s stopped that – so we’re on to a winner and that if he gets his shit together I’ll get back with him. After all, I am still in love with him.
Then he drops a bomb.
“I think it’s best that we just stay friends.”
*Hypocrite – he just said we can’t be friends and he wants to be my boyfriend. He just said he’s getting his shit together and I opened the champagne and said I’d get back with him at the drop of a hat in that case, and then he says that.*
He says he just wishes we never broke up. Of course we needed to break up – he chose drugs over me and lied to me.
He said to message him at some point. I told him to message me. I’m always the one who initiates friendly chat.
Stupid girl for falling again.
And then I receive a message that says: I’m really sorry.