I’ve spent most of my dating life learning that “keenness isn’t cool.”
DON’T BE KEEN!!
they told me.
Play it cool.
I was told.
So how is it that a friend is now dating a girl he once thought was overly keen? She is older than my friend, she has baggage, she replies at 4am when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she replies straight away. “I’m worried she’s a bit keen”, he said a few weeks ago. But now they see each other all the time. I’m glad things are working out, but it doesn’t make sense. He said he wanted to be single and play the field a bit, and he was concerned she was too keen. But look where we are now.
- He has a girlfriend and
- I’m still single, despite waiting for various guys to initiate a date.
I just don’t get it.
I sent a whip-around text to some girlfriends a few days ago, asking them to rank these in order of importance for a guy: personality, face, intelligence, figure, sense of humour, relationship with your friends, their friends and their parents. I was intentionally vague; not specifying if I meant for sex, a date or a relationship.
The things that were ranked as the most important were: sense of humour (three friends), face (two friends), intelligence (one friend) and personality (one friend) and figure, interests, relationship with their parents and relationship with friends (both yours and his) were rated as the least important factors.
Since April, I’ve learnt a lot about what I value in a relationship. I split from my gorgeous ex because I felt that personality was more important than looks, then I stopped seeing the next guy because I realised physical attractiveness was crucial for a relationship I was seeking, and now I know that a sense of humour and someone to laugh with trumps it all. For me, the most important thing is someone I can relax and have a laugh with. I want someone who, when I chat with them, it just rolls off the tongue. I want someone kind and fun. Recently, I’ve been in contact with my ex and as much as I’m aware we’re just friends, it has made me realise how much I value someone I can have a giggle with. In everything I do, I strive for happiness and I live by ‘do what makes you happy’, so for me right now, I want laughter from a guy. When my ex and I are together, I laugh so hard I double over and can’t walk or talk. He knows what sets me off and he knows how much I value fun and laughter. As romantic relationships, health – and therefore work – are going tits up, I need stability in other areas; which is currently coming from my friendships and family. Wishing I could stand by what I said a few months ago, I have a guilty feeling whenever I meet with him. We’re just friends, but he’s making me bloody happy at the moment, and that’s all I’m after – for now.
For this post, let’s park social anxiety disorders to the side.
Stop avoiding eye contact. Look me in the eye when you talk to me. Show me you care. Stop thinking about something else. Stop thinking about someone else. Stop thinking about you. Look at me. Show me that you fancy me. Show me the lust that I show you. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror. Stop staring at your reflection. In fact, stop eyeing yourself up. Providing there are no mirrors or glass about, you look at me. Back-up what you say with your actions. Just look at me.
It’s been a tough few months and last weekend my mum told me (again) how she wished I had a boyfriend, but noticed:
Boys these days don’t want relationships; they just want to fuck around.
Yes, Mummy. That’s true.
[So-and-so’s] daughter can’t get a boyfriend either. Blokes just stop texting her. It’s called something like…ghosting?
Yes, Mummy. That’s a real thing.
Maybe there’s something wrong with you?
It’s happened to my friends too.
Maybe there’s something wrong with your friends too?
No. It’s a real life thing, and it’s ensuring I’m part of a generation of singletons.
At first I thought ghosting only occurred after meeting someone online; someone just stops messaging (which, I suppose, is fair enough; you don’t actually know each other, there’s no harm in ceasing all communication). But I’ve discovered it actually happens after meeting someone in the real-world; and it’s becoming more and more common with my generation. Distinct to not messaging after a date, which shows someone isn’t interested and hopefully the other person will get the hint, ghosting is when someone has the intention to continue dating someone and then drops off the face of the planet. It’s avoidance. And it’s ridiculous. People are left stumped as to what they did wrong; unsure whether the ghoster is interested or not. At 24, I can deal with someone telling me I’m not right for them, so why can’t guys deal with telling me (and apparently some of my friends) this?
You need to have a boyfriend who’s older than you.
If I want to avoid the ghosters, I’ll probably have to find a guy who’s over 34, Mummy!
Great Darling, go out with a 34 year old.