Posted in Future, Single Life

The hook-up culture that is 2017…

Single Millennials have dug themselves a grave.

We’ve created a hook-up culture where, if we’re not willing to participate in a NSA (No-strings-attached) relationship, someone else will.  We can have free sex whenever we want it.  Women have fought, and continue to fight, for the right to be as sexually liberated as men and not be deemed a ‘slut’.  In 2017, if our sex drive is through the roof, we can meet up with a friend or stranger who’ll satisfy us – we don’t need a relationship.  Being such a women, I relish in the availability of sexual partners on offer.

Although the sex we’re having is the same, it plays out differently for men and women.  Men are applauded for wracking up the numbers.  Women are judged and shamed.

With a bountiful array of contraception on offer and feminist thinking becoming increasingly mainstream, you’d think female sexual exploration would be more accepted, but the reality is that women aren’t respected for their sexual experience.  The more experience in sex we accumulate, the less valued we seem.

Rather, it should be a different way; if I gain more experience in sex, I should be more valued as a woman.  I feel sexier in myself, I feel more confident in my feminine charm and I am more able to engage in meaningful, enjoyable sex.  Yet, insofar as you’re a woman:

more sex = more less attractive.

But I can’t help but think that we’ve shot ourselves in the feet.  Our openness for sex (please pardon the unintentional, somewhat vulgar, pun) has spoiled our chances of securing a committed relationship.  I am certainly not abdicating any responsibility for this culture; I have fully participated in it and we all know how that’s ended up.  A male friend recently said, ‘guys will say nearly anything to get you into bed’.  I didn’t have the heart to ask if he meant me specifically or women in general…  It’s depressing that many guys are willing to completely obscure the truth for a shag, and it’s partly because so many girls will believe a guy when he assures them that having sex on the first date isn’t going to make him think any less of her, or make him hard to pin-down for a second date.  

And despite friends and family promoting the wait until date three rule, this isn’t going to change anything.  If a guy’s aim is to date, shag and chuck a girl, he’ll do it after date one or date five.  What I’ve learnt over the past few years is you CANNOT change a man.

And it turns out that our hook-up culture is now starting to impact our casual flings, too.  I remember hooking up with The Bar Man and whilst in bed he asked whether I had time for a boyfriend.  Ignoring all the facts of him being totally unsuitable as a boyfriend, he was the one to ask if I wanted to date him (!!!) and then he ghosted me until he was drunk and horny a few months later.  [Because I was drunk and horny when I received his text, I was an idiot and invited him over – but that’s another story].

Men in their 20’s seem less likely to commit to a relationship than our parents’ generation when they were younger.  The internet and dating apps certainly have something to answer for this; facilitating sexual freedom.

There’s going to be a backlash.

Says my mum.

And god, I hope she’s right.

There’s going to be a whole lot of single, lonely 30 year old’s if we’re not careful and I really don’t want to be a part of that.

How do we avoid this?

  • As a female collective, we stop offering sex as carelessly as we have so far.
  • As a male collective, you stop expecting sex on the first date and you stop thinking a girl is a prude if she doesn’t put out on the first date.
  • As a human collective, we stop judging girls who do have sex on the first date because it feels right.
  • As decent people, we stop ghosting each other and be honest about what we want and how we feel.

So let’s stop this ridiculous cycle of sex and abandonment.  Sexual fulfillment is one thing.  Lifetime happiness is another.

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10 thoughts on “The hook-up culture that is 2017…

  1. Hear hear. As a happily married man, I can promise that no woman has the same appeal as the one who signed on with my mortgage. Nor would I be half as invested in the happiness of a woman that I had no ties to. Commitment is scary, and requires significant sacrifice. But for both parties, when trust is traded, there is a bond that is beyond anything imaginable….

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  2. The ghosting is the part that feels the most degrading. The fact that they are willing to put their dick in you but not say the truth. As a 32 year old just out of a long term relationship and now going wild, having been on the “dating scene” for a mere two weeks i can already see everything you saying! The fear to digress back to my relationship is oh so tempting to avoid being a “sad lonely 30 something women”

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      1. Complete lack of respect, you can fuck me and say ‘No Thank you” and ill get over it fairly quick because i know where i stand but Ghost me and my mind tells me i did something wrong or i wasn’t sexy good enough and i’m left feeling so much worse!

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  3. I don’t think hook up culture is driven by womens desire for casual sex – I think this situation was mainly created because we have realised that relationships are not what they’re cracked up to be, and no one wants to commit/go through the pain anymore (especially men for some reason – its them than tend to get the better deal in e.g. a marriage in any case so I don’t really get why it seems so hard to find one who is half decent and actually wants a relationship). Hook ups can be very liberating & fun – but the issue is that a power dynamic always starts to emerge where one likes more than the other one, and in that situation (in my experience of when I’ve been the ‘liker’) you’re basically giving what feels like everything without getting what you need back. I think as women tend to emotionally attach/get involved more easily and tend to be kinder, it is often them that this happens to – but many men will be hurt by this dynamic also.

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    1. Some really great points; thank you for commenting. I fully agree with how dating and therefore relationships aren’t the same as they have been previously; especially with regards to commitment. Finding a guy willing to commit seems like searching for a needle in a haystack; I don’t dispute that these guys do exist and it’s a shame for ‘the nice guys’ that girls are losing faith, but it feels like one of those situations where the few ruin it for the many.

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