Posted in Beginning., Dating?, Relationships, Single Life

Can you be nice and sexy?

This year I’ve learnt that although personality is important, it’s not absolutely crucial and looks are more important than I anticipated.

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now and we’ve progressed into boyfriend / girlfriend territory.  According to mutual friends, he had been keen for a while, so we met at social gatherings, went for drinks together and had the odd sleepover.  More recently, he came to visit in Brighton and we’ve spent weekends together.  I thought he was attractive, but with hindsight, I think I found the idea of him more attractive.  Initially, he seemed great:

  • 29 years old
  • has a job and a passion that come together
  • amazing chef
  • gentlemanly
  • kind
  • interesting
  • we have mutual friends

In so many ways, he couldn’t have been more different to my ex (rebound?!], but as the months have gone on, he’s actually rather similar.  He’s been fired from his passionate job and wants ‘a boring office job’ to tide him over.  He also doesn’t seem to have a drive to live an exciting life with long-term goals.  He finds me ‘intimidating’ because I have my shit together.  He also hasn’t achieved much in 29 years.  However, there are key differences: the ex was stunning, he dressed to kill and was very charismatic.  He also recently called to say he’s still in love with me.

 

Why is it so hard to find a bloke who is:

  1. sexy
  2. kind
  3. driven?

And why am I still asking the same question 3 years later?!

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Posted in Beginning., Friends, Future, Relationships, Single Life, Starting Something New

How to Find the Perfect Partner

Quirk Venn Diagram1

My housemate reckons he has dating sussed.  So here’s his guide to finding the perfect person for you:

  • Use the ‘Quirk Rules of Attraction Venn Diagram’

It comprises of

  1. Sexual Attraction
  2. Physical Attraction
  3. Emotional Attraction

All are equally important, and the best relationships involve all three elements.

  • If you’re physically AND sexually, but not emotionally attracted to someone, this tends to lend itself to great short-term flings / one- or two-night stands.
  • It can be ‘really annoying’ if you’re physically AND emotionally, but not sexually attracted to someone, as you have great conversations with this person, find them absolutely gorgeous, but there’s no sexual chemistry (which most people find important to successful relationships).
  • It can be a tricky situation if you’re emotionally AND sexually, but not physically attracted to someone, because you wouldn’t want to be seen holding hands with or snogging this person, but you desperately want to shag them.

So what to learn from this?

Next time I start dating someone I need to work out if I fancy them AND like their personality AND want to shag them.  If I don’t want all these three things, then the potential relationship is doomed…

Apparently.

Posted in Beginning., Future, Single Life

Alterations

When your relationship status has been ‘single’ for over a couple of years, you have to really consider whether it’s you who’s doing something wrong. And this is why I took the risk and asked my friends what I do that has resulted in me remaining single.

Naturally, they said ‘nothing’.

Then I asked my sister.  She was happy to point out the things I shouldn’t do on a date that I probably do.  You can always trust a relative to tell you your downfalls. 

So I’m heeding her advice – it’s hard to subdue the natural things I’ve done automatically for the past 23 years, but I need a new tac.

Watch this space.

Posted in Beginning., Dating?, Future, Single Life, Starting Something New

Making Plans

My friend said to me yesterday that the problem with being disappointed when a plan doesn’t work out with someone is that they didn’t know about the plan, and therefore, how can you really have an issue with it falling through?

It’s strange how we live in a time where you can’t be honest about what you’re thinking or how you feel: being keen is the last thing people want in a relationship.  So being gutted when evenings don’t turn out how you wanted them to is redundant; how were they meant to know what’s in your head?  This is especially true when you don’t make it clear what you want, I suppose this is why people flirt – to make intentions apparent without being verbal.

But what about rejection?

It can be daunting putting yourself out there – you may get rejected and then you’re back to square one.  At least with a plan in your head, there can be any number of possible endings, it just depends whether it’s worth the risk.

Watching First Dates on 4OD, one guy mentioned he’s terrified of rejection.  And although I consider myself confident and am more than happy to put myself out there, after the start to the year I’ve had, I’m beginning to give up on making the effort – there’s certainly a threshold to the amount of “no’s” one can hear!  Maybe this bloke has heard one too many…

Have I just created a paradox?  On the one hand, make your intentions clear – if all your plans are locked away in your head, and the other person is clueless to them, then no wonder you’re alone in bed.  But on the other hand being keen hasn’t worked out so far.  I would have thought that as I get older, there are fewer games to be played, but there’s still an expectation that you should wait to text back; seeing those three dots as soon as the message has sent screams: desperate, bored – boring even.  And I’ve found this to be more true the more you like the other person – how on Earth does that even make sense?!

At least in person, there’s immediate feedback – it’s evident if you click or not.  First Dates certainly has merit – people meet for the first time, have a drink, dinner and hopefully scintillating conversation.  If they don’t get on; they’ve wasted an hour or so of their evening, none of the hassle of weeks of texting.

So I’m going to try something new.  Next time I see someone I like, I’ll make it clear – I’ll try not to appear keen or desperate, but I really dislike the 17-year-old attitude to getting to know someone, especially at the age of 23.

Wish me luck…..?

Posted in Beginning.

Single life so far…

18 months ago I broke up with my long-term boyfriend; we had been going out for 7 years and things just started to go downhill.  Single life was going to be amazing – I was in the 2nd year of my Uni degree and there were some pretty attractive guys on campus.  And for the first 8 months it was great: I was having lots of fun with lots of people and single life was treating me well.

By Christmas of 3rd year at Uni the cliche of, ‘I’m too busy to start a relationship’, was completely true – the work was really piling up, I was on the committee for a Uni dance society and acting like the free-wheeling single girl wasn’t so easy.  On top of this, all my housemates seemed to be in a relationship and I was starting to feel a bit fed up with single life.

It was around this time that I decided to give the new dating app, ‘Tinder’ a go.  Bottom line is: I loved it.  Every spare minute I opened up the app and began swiping – I was beginning to develop RSI!  Friends thought it was ‘brutal’, but I loved the honesty – either you fancy someone or you don’t; it was just like being in a bar – if someone makes flirty eye contact you can choose to reciprocate or look away.  But having the option of selecting your better photos and give out bits of information about yourself was a great way to have an idea of whether you and this other person ‘click’.  As much as I enjoyed the app, I didn’t actually meet anyone when I was at Uni, it was only when I headed back home for the holidays that I met a few guys for a drink (or three).

One guy seemed nice, but after a second ‘date?!’ I realised I wasn’t interested.  Another guy was charming over Tinder messenger (and later texts); we seemed to get along well and meeting up for a drink was a fantastic move – or so I thought.  On the way home I called a friend and was beaming to her about how great the date had gone and how lovely this guy was – until he didn’t text.  By day 3 I threw in the towel and sent him a casual text.  Absolutely nothing.  And still nothing (this was about 3 weeks ago now).  Bugger.

I also signed up to the free dating site / app ‘Plenty of Fish’ (POF) during my time at Uni – as recommended by a friend.  My main issue with POF is it’s free.  This means that there are some bloody weird blokes on there.  At uni, as well as at home, I’ve been contacted by 18 year olds and 45 year olds – not my ideal market – at least with Tinder you can set the age parameters of potential ‘matches’.

Since coming home for summer after finishing my degree, my patience is wearing thin with POF and so many guys on Tinder just don’t strike up conversation.  (And yes, I have been the one to strike up conversation but this doesn’t seem to be Tinder Etiquette).

And this is why I’ve now joined Match.com.  I signed up yesterday (for free) to see how it works, but I couldn’t see any of the messages I had received – a privilege for members – so, today, I chose to subscribe for one month to see what (if anything) happens.

I shall let you know…