Posted in Dating?, Friends

The Bar Man

We’ve known each other for ages.  We’ve exchanged flirty messages for months.  We finally met up a few weeks ago; right when I had hit rock bottom with guys and needed to inject some fun back into my life.  The date was so easy, it felt natural and right.  I went in knowing you were a fuck-boy; basically my ex – plus 10 years.  I didn’t feel I was repeating history – it was evident this is who you are from the get-go.  All I needed was a bit of fun.

I had no interest in being in a relationship with you.  This was just going to be dating and hooking up.  Our encounters happened on school nights; with frequent promises to get together at the weekend.  Then you went M. I. A on me.  The promises of a Saturday night were empty.  Turns out, you’re one of those guys who feigns enthusiasm for an evening and then doesn’t show up.

When we did get together again (on a school-night, no less) you asked me what this was for me.  Wow, the novelty and excitement of a guy showing interest!  He’s cool just seeing each other once a week, but would love to see me more if I can fit him in – cute giggles and kisses here.

Then that was it.  No message since.  And as much as this is fine, because I had no interest in seeing you, we’re mates.  And therefore, that makes this not okay.

Posted in Dating?, Single Life

22. A phenomenal Friday night.

The immediate attraction.  The flow of conversation.  The seductive looks.  The flirting.  The cigarette sharing.  The 6 hour build-up.  The energy in the cab home.  The touching.  The kissing.  How weightless you made me feel.  How you grabbed me passionately.  How you picked me up.  How you spoke to me.  How you felt.  What you said.  What you did with your hands, your tongue, your…   How you made me feel.  How we fit together.  How natural falling asleep together felt.

 

And after, how my thighs looked and how my heart felt and how my head spun.  

Posted in Dating?, Single Life

You blew it.

Our date was fun but I came home feeling ambivalent towards you.  I was reluctant to accept a second date, but I thought there could have been some attraction there.  I hoped you wouldn’t spoil it, mainly because you had life experiences , motivation and interesting things to talk about – you ticked a lot of boxes but were yet to tick the ‘I want to kiss you’ box.  Basically, I wasn’t sure if I fancied you.  After our date you were really eager over text; borderline pushy.

Since Monday, you continued to message constantly.  When I said my plans with friends were cancelled, you were keen for me to come over to yours.  And then you were talking about our second date (due to be on Thursday) – lots of comments about how we can ‘snuggle’ and how you miss kissing me…  Excuse me?  We kissed once.  And it wasn’t even a snog.  You were already acting as a boyfriend and it was freaking me out.

When Thursday rolled around, you said I should come to yours.  I told you I didn’t feel comfortable coming to your house.

I was beginning to dread our date; I didn’t want to go and it was looking likely that I may have been in a position where I’d have to say ‘no’ or might accidentally recoil when you touched me.  And that wouldn’t be nice.  For either of us.

So I cancelled.

I am not one for bailing last minute, but it was the best option.  It wouldn’t have been fair on you and it would have been a waste of time for both of us.

What I did learn from this is that I should trust my gut instinct and that attraction is something which is felt instantly.  Although attraction can develop and evolve, a ‘spark’ needs to be there and it can’t be faked or forced.

Posted in Dating?

Please don’t spoil this.

You’re not conventionally attractive.  You’re not my usual type.  But you were keen to meet and drove a distance to meet me.

For the most part you were very charming – and flirty.  Conversation was easy and I instinctively felt comfortable with, and trusted, you.  I couldn’t work out if I fancied you.  I liked your personality and at times I thought I could have leaned in to kiss you – if I wanted to.  Maybe it was the wine..?  But I didn’t lean in.  And you asking ‘for a quick peck’ put me off (and quite frankly irritated me).  After a few glasses of wine for me, and a few pints of non-alcoholic beer for you, you took me for a spin in your very, very nice car.

Again, maybe it was the wine, but the thrill of being driven around, in a nice car, by a guy who fancies me, was exciting and I found myself playing with your fingers as you held my hand.  Like a true gentleman you dropped me home.  I gave you a kiss; not because I overly wanted to, but because I felt obligated to.

 

We’ve been texting a lot since.  It’s been only 24 hours.

To be honest, I’m nervous about how keen you are.  You’re talking of holidays, sleepovers, dates to come.  You want to know what turns me on, and whether I’ll come for a snuggle this evening.

 

I’m trying to make up my mind on you, and I’m open for another date, but you’re beginning to come across as pushy.  I’m a headstrong girl, and I’m willing to say ‘stop’ or ‘no’ to you, but it would be nice if it didn’t get to that – because you seem like a nice guy.  Please don’t spoil this.

 

 

Posted in Dating?, Single Life

2 very different stories…

Version 1:

You match with a guy from Bumble.  You’re chatting for a few days.  You’re unsure on whether to go on the date.

Date: he’s a nice guy, but you don’t feel a spark.  He tries to ask questions about you, but he mainly talks about himself.  He has limited ‘chat’ and no giggles.  You’re working at 110% in a bid to enjoy your evening.

Version 2:

You match with a guy from Bumble.  You’re chatting for a few days.  You’re unsure on whether to go on the date.

After the date, you go home.  But he’s super keen for you to come back out and texts you all evening.  The next day, you tell your friend he’s the ‘hottest most interesting guy ever’.  But that he’s ‘too good to be true’.

Did I mention he used to be a model and is now a trainee-doctor?

 

Suck a dick, my friend.  Suck a dick.

Posted in Dating?, Future, Relationships, Single Life

Let’s not beat around the bush.

In dating and relationships, I’m a real advocate of ‘honesty is the best policy’.  It’s not fun hearing someone isn’t into you, but at least you know.  It’s not fun admitting a relationship has run its course, but at least you aren’t clinging onto false hope.  It’s not fun accepting the possibility that you might never find Prince Charming, but at least you can get on with your life rather than idly waiting around.  When I was well-and-truly single a few months ago, I really had accepted the fact I might not find someone for a while (at least not on Tinder).  It was shitty at first, but it meant I spent more time making plans with friends than sitting on my arse on the sofa, swiping through pictures of random men.  Now I’m sort of back together with my ex (shhh, I know…), I’m viewing the relationship from a vantage point; this is Round 2; an opportunity to make a few changes and see what happens.  At first, Round 2 seemed to be a winner – we were jumping through hoops and scoring top marks, and when the going got tough, we’d take a step back, press pause then resume at a more convenient time.  This seemed to be a fab solution to a temperamental relationship.  Everything ran smoothly until he fell harder.

We’re no longer on the same page.  I’m continuing to take our relationship day-by-day.  He’s thinking very long-term.

have been honest with him.  I said, “You make me happy, and I’m going to keep doing what makes me happy until it doesn’t make me happy anymore.”

He said this seems very short-term and like I’m not planning far ahead.  Yep, that’s true and I told him so.

Recently, on a Saturday night, our different stances on future plans blew up.  He told me how committed he is and how he wants to spend his with life me, marry me, raise children – the works.  I played my trump card; I openly stated that I will not live with, marry, or raise children with someone who is an alcoholic and drug-dependent.  Naturally, he didn’t like that comment, but we went on to have a frank discussion about the future and we seem to be back on the same page.

 

Posted in Dating?, Single Life, Starting Something New

Is this appropriate..?

Last week I was in hospital.

What better way to pass recovery time than on Tinder?  Frequently, I paused to think about how inappropriate it was to be swiping whilst inserted with cannulas, drainage tubes and morphine surging round my body, but then I remembered how bored I was, how crap daytime T.V. is and how my concentration was so weak I was barely able to read a page of my book.

And then one of the guys I was talking to asked me to send him a sexy photo, despite knowing I was in post-op recovery.  I mean, what is more attractive than hair that hasn’t been washed for a week, with tubes, drains and bandages, on a hospital bed, nurses popping in and out asking if you’d ‘managed to pee and poo?’ and wearing a cotton nightie (something you’ve never worn in your life, unless it was tiny and made of lace or silk).

Naturally, I didn’t send a sexy photo.

He seemed put-out.

High on morphine, I promised to send one when I was home.

Why?  Why did I do this?

That’d be the morphine…

Of course I wasn’t going to send the bloke a photo – I didn’t know him, had never met him and he was so intent on receiving a dirty photo that he was becoming off-putting.

When I returned home, he kept commenting about how I had promised to send a photo on my return home.  I asserted my right to say ‘no’ to this stranger.  His response?

‘Why?  Don’t you like your body?’

Excuse me?

Just because I don’t want to send a naked photo to a stranger, does not mean I’m self-conscious of my body.  And I told him so.  ‘I actually really love my body’ [aside from the swelling, bruises and bandages I currently wear].

‘Then why?’

Because I don’t want to send a naked photo to a complete stranger.

 

I’m still surprised at his initial response to me shunning his request.  His idea that I must be shy because I don’t want to flaunt my genitals in his direction is absurd.  It’s because of girls who do, the girls who don’t seem frigid.  And that’s not meant as a criticism to those girls who do.  It’s 2016; we have all our fetishes catered to at the click of a button, we can go on a date with someone after just seeing some online photos and sharing a post-code and sex is all over The Top 40.  I’ve explored both sides of the fence: I’ve been the girl who shags someone after a little dance in a club and sends naked photos to guys I met once (admittedly, I regret this) and I’ve also been the girl who holds out for a guy to wine and dine me a bit first.  Since my last relationship, I’m struggling to pin down a guy.  My mum reckons “it’s because girls are so easy these days.”  Why would a guy settle with one girl, when he can quite easily pick up four or five other girls with a few swipes?

Maybe I need to find an older bloke; someone who doesn’t know what Tinder is.

 

Posted in Dating?, Single Life

‘I’m a pretty boring, bog-standard bloke, really’…

I really appreciate honesty.  Having been in a relationship with a liar, I value honesty far more than I did previously.  But I also appreciate allure and want to be with someone other people find attractive, and I’d hope someone I’m dating to want the same out of me.  I don’t think I could even contemplate going on a date with someone who says of themselves:

‘I’m a pretty boring, bog-standard bloke, really’

It’s so bland.  And I suppose that is exactly the point; it’s evidence of what’s being said.  You may be a pretty boring bloke, but can’t you pretend you’ve got something extra to give?  I met a guy at a party a few weeks ago, and we were making small talk and getting to know each other.  He told me there wasn’t much to know and he’s actually your average bloke.  Immediately, I was no longer interested.  As my dating CV is filling up, I’m more and more aware of the necessity for people to have an attractive personality as well as be physically attractive.  Up until that point, I would have considered a date with him, but what would we talk about if he didn’t think much of himself?  Would he have any interests?  Fun anecdotes?  Good questions?  I won’t know anytime soon.

Saying that, I know I’m not the most honest person on a first date.

Over the summer, I went to see Louis CK at Wembley and he made a great observation that people aren’t really themselves when they’re on a first date; people are always trying to be the best possible version of themselves to seem attractive to the potential romantic interest opposite them.  I know this to be true in my own dating history; I hide the fact I’m organised to the point of being anal, I hide my secret fetishes, and I try hard to not give away my embarrassingly low humor-threshold.  I want the person I’m in a relationship with to know these things about me, but I need to secure relationship-status first and I worry these revelations will seriously hinder this.

Honesty is crucial to the kind of successful, long-term relationship I’m after, but any long-term relationship starts off with a sequel to the first date…

 

Posted in Dating?, Relationships, Single Life

The best sex – it’s what you don’t say.

When speaking with a friend recently, we found “let’s come together!” particularly off-putting.  It’s not always easy to orchestrate, you lose focus and think less about your own orgasm and more about being perfectly in sync that you lose any chance of climaxing.

 

For me, the best sex isn’t just about confidence, attraction and sexual adeptness, it’s also about being mentally in the moment.  So much of sex is about the build up, the anticipation, the environment and the atmosphere – they all contribute to the experience.  Simply having sex (no matter how amazing) is not enough; I need to be focused on what I’m doing, what they’re doing, the sounds, the touch, the sights in order to be proactive and ensure we both have a good time.  With ex-boyfriends, from the time I decided to call things off I wasn’t mentally invested in our sex life.  I had switched off and found things that had previously turned me on began to piss me off and I was simply responding to his actions until he came.  Obviously, falling out of love or losing interest for someone is undoubtedly going to impact upon how you fuck, but so does indifference to someone on a more short-term basis.  When having sex as a single girl, I’ve found that guys have it hard.  They have to carefully navigate a night of passion and make sure they don’t say (or do!) anything to distract me- otherwise I’ll be back to square one.  Of course I’ll never show it; but I’ll be less engaged and he’ll be putting in more work than I will.

Sometimes, the best tactic a guy can take is to shut the fuck up; otherwise he risks ending the night alone.

Posted in Beginning., Dating?, Relationships, Single Life

Can you be nice and sexy?

This year I’ve learnt that although personality is important, it’s not absolutely crucial and looks are more important than I anticipated.

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now and we’ve progressed into boyfriend / girlfriend territory.  According to mutual friends, he had been keen for a while, so we met at social gatherings, went for drinks together and had the odd sleepover.  More recently, he came to visit in Brighton and we’ve spent weekends together.  I thought he was attractive, but with hindsight, I think I found the idea of him more attractive.  Initially, he seemed great:

  • 29 years old
  • has a job and a passion that come together
  • amazing chef
  • gentlemanly
  • kind
  • interesting
  • we have mutual friends

In so many ways, he couldn’t have been more different to my ex (rebound?!], but as the months have gone on, he’s actually rather similar.  He’s been fired from his passionate job and wants ‘a boring office job’ to tide him over.  He also doesn’t seem to have a drive to live an exciting life with long-term goals.  He finds me ‘intimidating’ because I have my shit together.  He also hasn’t achieved much in 29 years.  However, there are key differences: the ex was stunning, he dressed to kill and was very charismatic.  He also recently called to say he’s still in love with me.

 

Why is it so hard to find a bloke who is:

  1. sexy
  2. kind
  3. driven?

And why am I still asking the same question 3 years later?!