Posted in Dating?, Single Life, Starting Something New

Is this appropriate..?

Last week I was in hospital.

What better way to pass recovery time than on Tinder?  Frequently, I paused to think about how inappropriate it was to be swiping whilst inserted with cannulas, drainage tubes and morphine surging round my body, but then I remembered how bored I was, how crap daytime T.V. is and how my concentration was so weak I was barely able to read a page of my book.

And then one of the guys I was talking to asked me to send him a sexy photo, despite knowing I was in post-op recovery.  I mean, what is more attractive than hair that hasn’t been washed for a week, with tubes, drains and bandages, on a hospital bed, nurses popping in and out asking if you’d ‘managed to pee and poo?’ and wearing a cotton nightie (something you’ve never worn in your life, unless it was tiny and made of lace or silk).

Naturally, I didn’t send a sexy photo.

He seemed put-out.

High on morphine, I promised to send one when I was home.

Why?  Why did I do this?

That’d be the morphine…

Of course I wasn’t going to send the bloke a photo – I didn’t know him, had never met him and he was so intent on receiving a dirty photo that he was becoming off-putting.

When I returned home, he kept commenting about how I had promised to send a photo on my return home.  I asserted my right to say ‘no’ to this stranger.  His response?

‘Why?  Don’t you like your body?’

Excuse me?

Just because I don’t want to send a naked photo to a stranger, does not mean I’m self-conscious of my body.  And I told him so.  ‘I actually really love my body’ [aside from the swelling, bruises and bandages I currently wear].

‘Then why?’

Because I don’t want to send a naked photo to a complete stranger.

 

I’m still surprised at his initial response to me shunning his request.  His idea that I must be shy because I don’t want to flaunt my genitals in his direction is absurd.  It’s because of girls who do, the girls who don’t seem frigid.  And that’s not meant as a criticism to those girls who do.  It’s 2016; we have all our fetishes catered to at the click of a button, we can go on a date with someone after just seeing some online photos and sharing a post-code and sex is all over The Top 40.  I’ve explored both sides of the fence: I’ve been the girl who shags someone after a little dance in a club and sends naked photos to guys I met once (admittedly, I regret this) and I’ve also been the girl who holds out for a guy to wine and dine me a bit first.  Since my last relationship, I’m struggling to pin down a guy.  My mum reckons “it’s because girls are so easy these days.”  Why would a guy settle with one girl, when he can quite easily pick up four or five other girls with a few swipes?

Maybe I need to find an older bloke; someone who doesn’t know what Tinder is.

 

Posted in Friends, Future, Relationships, Single Life, Starting Something New

Walk away…

I ended things 4 days after my previous post .  We had a fun weekend planned with lots of socialising, but he was late on Friday evening due to a heavy one the previous night.  I spent the weekend being extra bubbling (it’s rare I have 1 social event at the weekend; let-alone 3!) and he spent the weekend being hungover, on a come-down and generally ill.  Sunday was a sad day with lots of tears.  We took the following week as a ‘break’ to help with the sadness, but as the weekend approached, it was becoming more and more evident it was the right decision.  Also receiving a 100% response rate of, ‘Well done, you did the right thing’ showed me it was for the best.

This weekend we decided to meet.  I wanted to finalise our break and have some closure; I also thought it would be good for him to know where I stood, no matter how heart breaking it was bound to be for him.

 

How wrong I was.

It was tricky seeing him again (he looked irritatingly gorgeous) and John Legend’s ‘All of Me’ came on in the cafe – you really couldn’t make this up!

What I was wrong about was how he responded.  Part of me wished he’d have made promises to change.  I knew I wouldn’t have accepted them, and the text the previous Sunday about how he’d do anything for me was clearly a load of bollocks, but he just accepted the end of the relationship.  It’s just another indication of how he isn’t my Prince Charming.

 

 

Posted in Beginning., Friends, Future, Relationships, Single Life, Starting Something New

How to Find the Perfect Partner

Quirk Venn Diagram1

My housemate reckons he has dating sussed.  So here’s his guide to finding the perfect person for you:

  • Use the ‘Quirk Rules of Attraction Venn Diagram’

It comprises of

  1. Sexual Attraction
  2. Physical Attraction
  3. Emotional Attraction

All are equally important, and the best relationships involve all three elements.

  • If you’re physically AND sexually, but not emotionally attracted to someone, this tends to lend itself to great short-term flings / one- or two-night stands.
  • It can be ‘really annoying’ if you’re physically AND emotionally, but not sexually attracted to someone, as you have great conversations with this person, find them absolutely gorgeous, but there’s no sexual chemistry (which most people find important to successful relationships).
  • It can be a tricky situation if you’re emotionally AND sexually, but not physically attracted to someone, because you wouldn’t want to be seen holding hands with or snogging this person, but you desperately want to shag them.

So what to learn from this?

Next time I start dating someone I need to work out if I fancy them AND like their personality AND want to shag them.  If I don’t want all these three things, then the potential relationship is doomed…

Apparently.

Posted in Single Life, Starting Something New

An Experiment – Part Two

About 6 months ago I conducted an experiment. I propositioned all my matches on Tinder with the line ‘Tell me something interesting’ and drew these conclusions: the majority of men on Tinder are boring, fewer will say anything to have a shag and even fewer are actually interesting (click here to see the post).

I’m now repeating the experiment – for validity, of course.

You see, Tinder is back.  Over the weekend, one of my close friends – namely, one key single ally dropped a bomb: she has left Singles Club.  Devastating news.  I now consist of 50% of Singles Club membership; myself and another close friend.  As of yet, 2015 has been a year of worse and worse luck with men, so I chose to re-download Tinder – really just for a giggle so I have more fuel for my blogs.  This evening I asked the question again, in various forms:

Hi  ___.  Surprise me with something interesting about you 🙂 x

Hi ___.  What’s the most interesting thing about you?  X

Hi ___, can you surprise me with something I wouldn’t guess about you? X

Surprise me with something about yourself 🙂 x

I’ll let you know the stats…

Posted in Single Life, Starting Something New

Just for Sex: Compliment or Insult?

When did people stop exchanging numbers after sleeping together?  If you got on well enough during the evening to then actually have sex (and the sex was good), surely you’d be able to swap numbers.  You saw each other naked – why is it so cringey to ask for their number?  If you do manage to swap numbers, what’s the point in not texting?  Maybe numbers were swapped to avoid an awkward conversation (and therefore ignoring each other is easier), but why not text again to arrange another shag?  And if all you wanted was to keep it as a one-night-thing, then just say it.   I can handle it.  Likewise, don’t pull all those lines about how much you like me; lying your way into bed.  Don’t make me leave thinking you’ll text and we’ll have a whirlwind romance.  I’d rather just know that it was just sex.

 If someone just wants you for sex, is that a compliment or an insult? 

If someone tells you they only want to sleep with you, do you feel smug or sad?  It can be seen in any number of ways for any number of reasons:

  • Maybe he just doesn’t want a girlfriend
  • Maybe he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend (insult to personality)

Either way, it’s a compliment to how you look.

I recently read an article on Cosmopolitan that contains backhanded compliments men give to women. I think something along the lines of, ‘I like sleeping with you, let’s not complicate it’ should be added. There’s the initial compliment of ‘you’re good in bed’, but followed swiftly by the rejection of anything more and the assumption that anything more will be hassle.

I know friends with benefits and no-strings-attached arrangements work, and no two set-ups are the same, but what’s the consensus on the knee-jerk reaction this suggestion creates; do people like keeping sex as sex and nothing more?  I realise it depends, but what do people reckon?

Obviously this is a very one-sided, female opinion – how would a man feel if a women only wanted him for sex?  Maybe I’ll ask around…

Comments welcome.

Posted in Beginning., Dating?, Future, Single Life, Starting Something New

Making Plans

My friend said to me yesterday that the problem with being disappointed when a plan doesn’t work out with someone is that they didn’t know about the plan, and therefore, how can you really have an issue with it falling through?

It’s strange how we live in a time where you can’t be honest about what you’re thinking or how you feel: being keen is the last thing people want in a relationship.  So being gutted when evenings don’t turn out how you wanted them to is redundant; how were they meant to know what’s in your head?  This is especially true when you don’t make it clear what you want, I suppose this is why people flirt – to make intentions apparent without being verbal.

But what about rejection?

It can be daunting putting yourself out there – you may get rejected and then you’re back to square one.  At least with a plan in your head, there can be any number of possible endings, it just depends whether it’s worth the risk.

Watching First Dates on 4OD, one guy mentioned he’s terrified of rejection.  And although I consider myself confident and am more than happy to put myself out there, after the start to the year I’ve had, I’m beginning to give up on making the effort – there’s certainly a threshold to the amount of “no’s” one can hear!  Maybe this bloke has heard one too many…

Have I just created a paradox?  On the one hand, make your intentions clear – if all your plans are locked away in your head, and the other person is clueless to them, then no wonder you’re alone in bed.  But on the other hand being keen hasn’t worked out so far.  I would have thought that as I get older, there are fewer games to be played, but there’s still an expectation that you should wait to text back; seeing those three dots as soon as the message has sent screams: desperate, bored – boring even.  And I’ve found this to be more true the more you like the other person – how on Earth does that even make sense?!

At least in person, there’s immediate feedback – it’s evident if you click or not.  First Dates certainly has merit – people meet for the first time, have a drink, dinner and hopefully scintillating conversation.  If they don’t get on; they’ve wasted an hour or so of their evening, none of the hassle of weeks of texting.

So I’m going to try something new.  Next time I see someone I like, I’ll make it clear – I’ll try not to appear keen or desperate, but I really dislike the 17-year-old attitude to getting to know someone, especially at the age of 23.

Wish me luck…..?

Posted in Relationships, Starting Something New

Half Your Age, Plus Seven: An Analysis.

In principle, this popular relationship rule is applicable to men and women.  Yet there’s a difference between a 23 year old guy dating an 18 year old girl and a 23 year old girl dating an 18 year old guy. The former will tend to be perceived as perfectly acceptable for both parties.  Whereas the latter tends to be perceived as any (or all) of the following: she’s desperate, he’s a lad, it’s a bit dodgy.

This is probably due to common patterns in the age discrepancy of heterosexual couples in the UK, America and Australia.  For most of history the mean age difference between husband and wife has been around two-to-three years, and recent statistics of the mean ages men and women to get married support this trend (Office for National Statistics, 2014):

  • Women: 34 years old
  • Men: 36.5 years old

Despite this being the mean age difference, only around a quarter of marriages from 1921 to 2001 have an age-gap of two-to-three years and a in a third of marriages the age difference between the husband and wife is within a year.  Although it would seem the ‘half your age, plus seven’ rule isn’t followed, it’s really only to establish age limits rather than suitable age differences for a relationship.

What is clear is that the age-gap between people in a relationship seems less and less relevant as age increases; a 48 year old could quite easily be with a 30 year old, yet translating this to a younger age (say a 30 year old and an 18 year old), the acceptability starts to diminish.  I believe this is partly due to the divide in education and work.  Schooling is completely age-dependent, with clear boundaries between each phase of learning, whereas in the world of work, age is far less important than experience and expertise (very likely positively correlated with age, but not as strongly as age and education).  By highlighting such clear differences where someone is in their life (GCSEs, A-Levels, Gap Year, 1st, 2nd or 3rd year of Uni….) there is a real focus on a person’s age, so maybe the rule is more appropriate for younger generations.

I’m 23 and don’t really like the thought of shacking-up with an 18 year old guy (immaturity is a definite issue here), but I have 23 year-old male friends who are more than keen to hook up with a girl of this age.

Tricky one…

Posted in Starting Something New

Tell Me Something Interesting.

At the suggestion of a friend, I’ve approached Tinder slightly differently.

Her suggestion: start the conversation with:

    ‘Tell me something interesting’

I’m pretty ruthless on Tinder and regularly delete people who don’t talk. So of the 18 matches I currently had going, I hadn’t begun talking to about 11 of them. Having been out for many cocktails with the aforementioned friend, I took the plunge.

All 11 new matches had the opening line: ‘Tell me something interesting’ pop up on their phones.

48 hours later and the results were mixed:

  • 5 guys were silent. Clearly very boring with nothing noteworthy to share (naturally, soon to be deleted).
  • 1 told me what I already knew from his profile: eye colour and profession and ‘that’s pretty much it’…riveting.
  • 1 had a great story about how he got tyre marks on his bed (definitely a winner).
  • And the other 4 responded with cheesy flattery.

This was an eye-opening experience.

In conclusion:

    • 55% of guys on Tinder are pretty dull.
    • 9% of guys are interesting.
    • 36% of guys are just interested in getting in girls’ knickers.

So only go on Tinder if:

a) you like boring men

or b) you’re dying for a shag.

Posted in Starting Something New

Just Like Everyone Else

The creators of Tinder have announced they are introducing a paid upgraded version of the quick and free dating app. Apparently you will be able to ‘undo’ the accidental swipe left and expand your search distance to beyond 100 miles:
http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/news/a31007/would-you-pay-to-undo-a-wrong-left-swipe-on-tinder/

The ‘undo’ button is only going to be useful for those people who are swiped left and this is followed by ‘dammit’; having to go through every single left swipe, only to re-affirm your decision for 99% of potential matches seems like a bit of a hassle. And expanding your search horizons will only be useful for horny holiday-makers.

Hopefully the original version of the app will remain available – otherwise Tinder kind of loses its appeal of being free and instant. And what if upgraded members are still silent? What is the point in matching with more people only to receive more silence? The likely cost is going to be anything between 60p – £12.50 a month – a far cry from £20 a month for Match.com: http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/29914461. But as far as I’m aware, paid sites don’t attract a better calibre of Singleton, so I have little hope for the paid upgrade. Yet, as Cosmo say, it’s no surprise Tinder are beginning to jack up their prices. It’s such a popular app, and more and more people I know are saying they met their boy/girl friend on Tinder – and no longer with a bowed head in shame. I’m not expecting to meet Prince Charming, but I am expecting to chat to some fun people.

A few nights ago I decided I would turn things around on Tinder; bored of the inevitable silence, I got swiping. With the relative anonymity of online dating, I found myself starting conversation with people who I’d never even met, in a way I’d chat to a good friend: ‘hey hey good looking’ is my personal favourite.

But it worked. He’s a good looking bloke and wasn’t put off by my over-friendly starter (i.e. he replied). We shall see if there is more than the usual small-talk shite.

Another guy seemed nice enough; we were chatting for an hour or so, flirty small-talk (is there such a thing?!), then he suddenly we should go for drinks and have sex. Very honest – maybe a little forward. And I can’t work out if this is worse than total silence…